they say... "i SEE why!"...

At this point in time i can say i see why n*ggas be goin all bad and robbin' folks... i mean i aint gon' do it *side grin*... but at this point my financial situation is fucked up right now, i try to keep a level head about it BUT the fact that the economy is is bent over a table gettin the business right now doesnt promise that i'll find another job anytime soon.

Lately ive had these odd thought and dreams of me taking what i want and/or dont have i.e. .....
(get rich or die tryin)... lmao!...

What is the average person to do when the economy is how it is... i mean i could get a job at a fast food place *blinking blankly*.... but fuck that i do have standards (not to down any1 who does)... but i aint doin that shit.

anyway this is jus somethin that was on my mind to let all the stick-up-kids who read my blog know that I UNDERSTAND.................................. *thinking*... do stick-up-kids blog???... hahaha... i mean they would have an interesting ass blog

they say... "are u SERIOUS?"

I havent chose to post anything personal in months when i realized certain people were spying on my blog(fuck em its my life and any outsider who reads this and feels a certain way, live with it but dont ever, ever, ever bring any of my blog postings up)... but in not doing so ive been the one suffering because serious things have been on my mind and heart the past few months... this is my oath to myself and my readers (who respond)... i will express myself because its therapeutic and necessary for me to get these things off my chest...

starting with this... because of my most recent situation a certain song has been in my head like fuckin crazy... and the oddest part is im really not all that into R&B music but i had heard this song 1 time when EB posted it... and it jus came outta nowhere and i feel like it fits how i feel... corny as fuck i know BUT... it... is... what it... fuckin'... IS!!!

Jasmine Sullivan- Lions, Tigers, and Bears



chorus:
I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears/
(No I'm not)...
But I'm scared of... loving you/
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair/
(That's right)...
But I'm scared of loving you/
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task/
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?/
Why do we love, love?..... when love seems to hate us?/

2nd verse:
Most circumstances I know my fate/
But in this love thang, I don't get the game/
Why does it feel like those who give in/
They only wind up losing a friend/

Just cause I love you and you love me/
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be/
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the queen/
But the most frightening thing is you and me/
----------------------------------------

This part stands out because im finally coming to grips with the harsh reality that i do have a COMMITMENT ISSUE/PROBLEM... i know what i want but i continuously run away from it because im not ready to let down my guard completely, and be with one person EVEN when they treat me how i want to be treated and/or love me how i want to be loved. I have no clue what this stems from or why it is.

Its frustrating and scary to know im 26 and i cant carry out a monogamous relationship, and the last time was the final straw which proved to me that ITS ME thats the problem. In these situations i end up losing friends i care about because i go to that level and in the end i cant/dont commit.

if ur reading this u prolly think its not big a deal and every1 goes thru some type of trouble with the heart when making choices and decisions BUT this shit is soooo hard at this point and i dont know what to do.

*DAMN THIS IS HARD*



*i guess i'll go to sleep now, since the sun is up *shakin' head*

they say... "IT will catch up with u SOONER or LATER"

The homie sent me an email 2day informing me that 54 people from Oakland were arrested because they were all tied a gang organization know as "THE ACORN BOYS"...

trust me when i say their well known, they're from whats (argueably) considered the worst part of Oaklnd... WEST OAKLAND... but with that said i wont make it seem like every other region is the BURBS cuz there are some other fucked parts in THE TOWN too.

but this shit is crazy... 54 people at once... shit is sad!... we'll see how this plays out!




click here------> CHANNEL 7 NEWS

they say... "WHY do BAD things happen to GOOD people?"

Doin alotta thinking and praying for my "ex"...

*quick background*
Around 2002/2003 me and my "ex" decided it would be good for us to go our separate ways... the relationship was in a "fizzling out" faze... after that we did the on and off thing for a few years... that led to me and her having a conversation about how we truly felt and she told me that she wanted to get engaged and have a baby... i was shocked! (but not really)... the additive to this is that she was told by a doctor that she would have serious complications when she decided to get pregnant, and the older she got the higher her risk would be. (she's 2 years older than me)

With that said i decided i was young and i wasnt ready, and i've always seen myself getting married before i bring a child into this world... but we were on 2 totally different pages future wise, so we finally split and went our separate ways.

--------------------------------

We remained friends keeping each other posted on our dating life, somewhat... about 7 months ago she called me to get my wishes on her being pregnant and i told her i was exited for her and that i hoped everything went well...

The last few months shes had complication all around the table... with the father, and more importantly with her health, and the babies health.

As a friend i went to an appointment with her where they ran some tests and everything was looking like it might be "ok!"...

She's been in the hospital a few days and i've been saying i was goin to see her but i was putting it off... so i set aside time to go see her today... i get out to the side of the bay that her hospital is and i get a call from her sister informing me that, "the baby didnt make it"... the babies heart wasnt beating... she was in her 7th month... the worst part is she still has to give birth in a few hours.......................

I feel like shit right now... i shoulda just went to visit the other day when i found out she was in the hospital but instead my selfish ass put it off... by no means could i have changed anything but as a friend i could have been there if it was just to show my face!

Jackie, i know u cant read this BUT im so fuckin' sorry this happened to u... all u ever realllly wanted in this world was to look ur own child in the eyes!... i'll pray for you and for your situation and i hope u get thru this... this is going to be a trying time in your life and if u need me i'm here!

they say... "You got KNOCKED the FUCK OUT!!!"

ummmm... soooo... has any1 ever been knocked out?... well even if u have im sure it wasnt like this...

watch as these dudes have u crackin up...



WTF is he punchin @ while he's knocked out... lmao!



yea sooo why is fighting all the ppl. tranna help his ass...lololol!



thats a way to make sure the fight is over.



first things 1st bra... did u miss day 1?



was that a dance he was doin???


oh yea... and 1 for the road...



"im not gay"... lmfbao!

they say... "get it OFF ya CHEST" (LATE)

*Things some ppl. in my personal life need to know (but I don't wanna be an asshole)...*

Let me start off by saying I'm not mad at any1 specific... nobody did shit... I'm just reflecting on some shit...

- 1 thing u can fuckin count on... ALWAYS!... is that I'll be ME!...
love it or leave it... at this point in my life I don't care which 1 u choose

- I have friends... the SMITTY's... theres nothin I won't do for them (pause/no homo)... their like brothers... so if u decide not to be my friend... sorry but it bothers me very little... Im not that excited about making new friends any way, I accept new associates but I don't go out looking for them

- I keep to myself... whatever I choose to not tell u is my business...
respect that and shut the fuck up!...

- yea I do think I'm too good for some shit... and I do show it @ times... that's me, I don't know how else to be

- Women enjoy my company just as I do theirs, what the hell u mad for...
get over it!

- I don't change... I may tighten or loosen up things about me but I never stray too far from being G-SWEET... I figure if people are attracted to me and/or accept me when they meet me its because there's something they see in me so why would I change???... shit u might not like the change, orrrrrr the change might not like you

- Insecure people are starting to get on my nerves... I'm not dealing with them anymore... nothing against u but I've noticed there's no helping or convincing these people... so I'll just stay away from them... if I meet a woman and she's insecure I'm walkin away... for real tho... that shit is played... life is too short to harp on the negative shit about URSELF of all people

- I hate when people change there character based on another person... I find that to be a weak-willed person... I feel like u should always be able to find urself within a situation no matter what... ur girlfriend/boyfriend, brother/sister, bestfriend, worse enemy... should not be the reason u change urself...
Now if ya married... hey u gotta do what u gotta do *shrugs shoulders*


PARTING WORDS:

I am the flyest ni**a walkin...
I am humbly-arrogant...
I dont care what u think...
I am too good for some shit...
Women love me...
Men envy me...
If I had nothing, I'd still have more to offer than most!


*back to my regular(LATE) scheduled blogging*

They say... "you ever FEEL like somebodys WATCHING you"

The 1st week of February the boss decided to run the office with a slightly different scheme... this required every1 to move to a different area... as soon as I got the mass e-mail I knew somethin about this wasn't gon' go in my favor... so they promoted a few ppl and split every1 up into small teams... my team is coo... I was only familiar with 1 person in my group prior to the move...

The day b4 the big move another mass e-mail went out with an actual seating chart... at that point I'm like are we in the fuckin 3rd grade...lol

Now... when I finally got my seat I was like wowwww... 4real... that's
how yall feel... now 1st off my old seat was dead smack in the middle of
the room... our office is set up like cubicles with no walls... just alotta ppl. in a room but everybody has a computer...

so i got a seat right in the line of sight of the supervisors so its ugly, my computer screen is visible to them but my back is turned to them... they can see me but i cant see them... this is what it looks like:



now 1 supervisor is coo'... but the other is a jerk!... so evertime i look over my shoulders i see him looking in my direction... as the chart shows he's the supervisor marked in the dark red... let the bright red lines be the l;ine of sight... lol... but its NOT funny!

so my lead comes over the other day and goes jus givin' u a heads up the he's (asshole sup.) is watchin u evertime i look over there... so i was like ok!... WOW!...c an we say WOW!

its coo tho... cant a brotha down tho!

they be like yall cant use the internet, but when they leave... i be on it again!

so this is whjat i have to say about it all...

they say... "PAY it forward"

Yall ever seen that movie... its one of those inspirational humanitarian flicks with the message of, "passing on a random act of kindness"


So check this out... this morning I'm running late as usual... I'm talkin hella late... late like I live a lil over an hour (public
transportation) from my place of residence... I'm suppose to be at work at 10... I was a 2 blocks away from my house waitin for the bus at 9:15...

So I wait... and wait... and wait... I'm like WHAT THE FUCK... there no bus in sight... so I'm gettin pissed cuz shit like this makes me hella mad...

So as I'm standing there pissed off, I'm just looking @ cars pass by when I notice a clean ass silver mercedes benz... what I noticed first were the rims because cuz they were different, by now the car is @ a complete stand still so I observe the rest of it and see the dude drivin it... it was an indian guy about 35 on his cell phone with a blunt hangin out his mouth (I'm thinkin nah this ni**a aint smokin weed in broad daylight)... I laugh to myself and go back to waiting... when in no time @ all the indian dude had made a u-turn and pulled up next to me...


So I'm thinkin he needs directions... so I turn towards the car and he rolls the window down and says, "are you going to the BART station?" so I kinda gave em' raised eyebrow frown and that's when my thought process took over...

MY THOUGH PROCESS:

1st thought... wtf!?... is this ni**a gay and tranna pick up on me
[arrogant & homophobic]

2nd thought... I dunno about these indians folks, they be blowin shit up
[racist & prejudice]

3rd thought... if he say somethin outta pocket imma' beat his ass
[violent & ignorant]

4th thought... damn I do need to get to the BART station a.s.a.p. ...
and if somethin goes all bad I can always revert back to thought #3!...

So I reply, "what u say?"
And he asks again, "are you going to the BART station?"... u want a ride Just for confirmation I say, "are u goin that way?"
He says, "yea"...

So I grab my bag and get in... now I'm not gon' front I was still expectin some weird shit to happen... but that's just me... I'm a pessimist... expect the worse, hope for the best...

So now I'm in this clean ass benz with a fuckin stranger... she says, "I seen u waiting for the bus so I figured I'd give u a ride"...
so I say "thanks"...and proceed to make small talk... u know the usual, where do u work, u live around here, are u a murderer... shit like that!...

the guy goes on to say how he does this often when he's sees people waiting @ a bus stop... i was kinda shocked... but thats when it hit me there really are nice people left in the world even if the news tells u different.

he keeps talking and says, "people see my car and think, wow, but all this can be gone in a snap of a finger and i can be catching the bus, and i would like to think a person would give me a ride... people usually look at me like a weirdo when i offer but i understand... i use to catch the bus to but i dont have to any more but that doesnt mean i forgot what that situation is like"

i was like WOW!... thats deep... cuz i sure woulda smashed off... and then he asked me did i smoke (weed)... i was like "NAH" and he lit his blunt rolled his window down a proceeded to drive. he dropped me off asked my name and said have a coo' day and i did the same... he said his name was Karmit (*car-meet*... i guess thats how u spell it)... and that was that!...

AND THEN...

I get to my bus that takes to work and theres a black dude about my age there, he stood out cuz he was the only other black person around and he had on some clean ass air for 1's (even tho' im not a fan of those shoes)... while every1 is boarding the bus he digs in his wallet to get a few dolla out to pay and he is talking to the bus driver at the same time, i guess seeing how much it costs... this foo' drops a $100 and a $10 dollar bill on the ground as he steps on the bus...


NOW... yesterday he woulda been sooooo assed out it aint even funny... but since homie had gave the ride on some good samaritan shit... i tapped homeboy on the shoulder and was like, "ay u dropped somethin"... he was like OH SHIT!... thanx man!... DAMN! IM SLIPPIN! i was like yea that woulda been ugly!... he was like "ugly aint even the word"..

im an honest guy but that was hard to do... cuz it aint everyday that $100 bills just fall on the ground when nobody is lookin... but it aint everyday a stranger gives a young African-American male a ride in his benz when he's runnin late!

maybe this is how the world was originally designed!

they say... "you can't have the GOOD, without the BAD!"

`well ive been havin' good days alot lately.. so i guess i was due... my day started goin bad as soon as the clock struck 12:00...

heres how it played out...

Ok... I'll give u a brief run down...

This started last night after mid night...
________________________________________________________


12:15... I get in the house... and what do u know all of sudden im no longer sleepy


1:00... still up

2:00... still up

3:00... still up (tossin & turnin)

4:00... still up (tossin & turnin)... and then finally fell asleep (which is a bunch of BS cuz of all people, I can always fall asleep... i swear im slightly narcoleptic)

5:45... the worst cramp in my calf ive ever had in my life... oh god... it was 1 of those u cant even stop if u like grab it... it was pain full... I actually had 2 get up and put my foot on the kitchen floor to get it to stop (home remedy)... never had 1 like that before... my calf is still sore!

9:27... wake up (to hella kids who have no school makin hella noise and runnin around, NO their not mines... im staying w/ fam. far a few weeks)... mind u I have to be to work @ 10:00... I was supposed to wake up @ 7:30...

I was so late already I didn’t even rush... mike uncle said he'd take me to work... so im like coo... I wont be too late so I waited around 4 him... only to find out he has something he 4got he had 2 do... so he drops me off @ the bus @ 11:05... and guess what (yep u got it I missed the bus by 10 minutes)

11:25... 180 bus leaves to san jose

12:08... bus arrives... and of course the lightrail is pulling off as the bus is pulling up...

12:16... lightrail comes...

12:31... I arrive @ work, thinking "okay lemme get to work lunch is about to start"

12:34... get a phone to test... battery is dead... and it requires a special 1 of a kind (in the galaxy) charger that nobody can find... but my job is to locate it...


12:49... locate charger and get to work for 11 minutes until lunch time... sigh!

BUT ITS NOTHIN I'LL JUST MAKE IT UP DURING OVERTIME!... ;0)


Soooooooooooooooo... how was ur day???