they say... "are u SERIOUS?"

I havent chose to post anything personal in months when i realized certain people were spying on my blog(fuck em its my life and any outsider who reads this and feels a certain way, live with it but dont ever, ever, ever bring any of my blog postings up)... but in not doing so ive been the one suffering because serious things have been on my mind and heart the past few months... this is my oath to myself and my readers (who respond)... i will express myself because its therapeutic and necessary for me to get these things off my chest...

starting with this... because of my most recent situation a certain song has been in my head like fuckin crazy... and the oddest part is im really not all that into R&B music but i had heard this song 1 time when EB posted it... and it jus came outta nowhere and i feel like it fits how i feel... corny as fuck i know BUT... it... is... what it... fuckin'... IS!!!

Jasmine Sullivan- Lions, Tigers, and Bears



chorus:
I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears/
(No I'm not)...
But I'm scared of... loving you/
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair/
(That's right)...
But I'm scared of loving you/
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task/
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?/
Why do we love, love?..... when love seems to hate us?/

2nd verse:
Most circumstances I know my fate/
But in this love thang, I don't get the game/
Why does it feel like those who give in/
They only wind up losing a friend/

Just cause I love you and you love me/
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be/
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the queen/
But the most frightening thing is you and me/
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This part stands out because im finally coming to grips with the harsh reality that i do have a COMMITMENT ISSUE/PROBLEM... i know what i want but i continuously run away from it because im not ready to let down my guard completely, and be with one person EVEN when they treat me how i want to be treated and/or love me how i want to be loved. I have no clue what this stems from or why it is.

Its frustrating and scary to know im 26 and i cant carry out a monogamous relationship, and the last time was the final straw which proved to me that ITS ME thats the problem. In these situations i end up losing friends i care about because i go to that level and in the end i cant/dont commit.

if ur reading this u prolly think its not big a deal and every1 goes thru some type of trouble with the heart when making choices and decisions BUT this shit is soooo hard at this point and i dont know what to do.

*DAMN THIS IS HARD*



*i guess i'll go to sleep now, since the sun is up *shakin' head*

they say... "i CAINT' believe this SHIT!!!"

i got a riddle fa yall...

WHATS THE FASTEST WAY TO AN EARLY GRAVE???...


*the answer is below*



i can guarantee and re-assure u... all i woulda got was this...

accept mines woulda been closed...

that goes for me and any of u other black folks... and if i woulda lived the doctor woulda been like...

"You're not the first ni**a we had to put the BLACK back on"!

they say... "WHY do BAD things happen to GOOD people?"

Doin alotta thinking and praying for my "ex"...

*quick background*
Around 2002/2003 me and my "ex" decided it would be good for us to go our separate ways... the relationship was in a "fizzling out" faze... after that we did the on and off thing for a few years... that led to me and her having a conversation about how we truly felt and she told me that she wanted to get engaged and have a baby... i was shocked! (but not really)... the additive to this is that she was told by a doctor that she would have serious complications when she decided to get pregnant, and the older she got the higher her risk would be. (she's 2 years older than me)

With that said i decided i was young and i wasnt ready, and i've always seen myself getting married before i bring a child into this world... but we were on 2 totally different pages future wise, so we finally split and went our separate ways.

--------------------------------

We remained friends keeping each other posted on our dating life, somewhat... about 7 months ago she called me to get my wishes on her being pregnant and i told her i was exited for her and that i hoped everything went well...

The last few months shes had complication all around the table... with the father, and more importantly with her health, and the babies health.

As a friend i went to an appointment with her where they ran some tests and everything was looking like it might be "ok!"...

She's been in the hospital a few days and i've been saying i was goin to see her but i was putting it off... so i set aside time to go see her today... i get out to the side of the bay that her hospital is and i get a call from her sister informing me that, "the baby didnt make it"... the babies heart wasnt beating... she was in her 7th month... the worst part is she still has to give birth in a few hours.......................

I feel like shit right now... i shoulda just went to visit the other day when i found out she was in the hospital but instead my selfish ass put it off... by no means could i have changed anything but as a friend i could have been there if it was just to show my face!

Jackie, i know u cant read this BUT im so fuckin' sorry this happened to u... all u ever realllly wanted in this world was to look ur own child in the eyes!... i'll pray for you and for your situation and i hope u get thru this... this is going to be a trying time in your life and if u need me i'm here!

they say... "You got KNOCKED the FUCK OUT!!!"

ummmm... soooo... has any1 ever been knocked out?... well even if u have im sure it wasnt like this...

watch as these dudes have u crackin up...



WTF is he punchin @ while he's knocked out... lmao!



yea sooo why is fighting all the ppl. tranna help his ass...lololol!



thats a way to make sure the fight is over.



first things 1st bra... did u miss day 1?



was that a dance he was doin???


oh yea... and 1 for the road...



"im not gay"... lmfbao!

They say... "you ever FEEL like somebodys WATCHING you"

The 1st week of February the boss decided to run the office with a slightly different scheme... this required every1 to move to a different area... as soon as I got the mass e-mail I knew somethin about this wasn't gon' go in my favor... so they promoted a few ppl and split every1 up into small teams... my team is coo... I was only familiar with 1 person in my group prior to the move...

The day b4 the big move another mass e-mail went out with an actual seating chart... at that point I'm like are we in the fuckin 3rd grade...lol

Now... when I finally got my seat I was like wowwww... 4real... that's
how yall feel... now 1st off my old seat was dead smack in the middle of
the room... our office is set up like cubicles with no walls... just alotta ppl. in a room but everybody has a computer...

so i got a seat right in the line of sight of the supervisors so its ugly, my computer screen is visible to them but my back is turned to them... they can see me but i cant see them... this is what it looks like:



now 1 supervisor is coo'... but the other is a jerk!... so evertime i look over my shoulders i see him looking in my direction... as the chart shows he's the supervisor marked in the dark red... let the bright red lines be the l;ine of sight... lol... but its NOT funny!

so my lead comes over the other day and goes jus givin' u a heads up the he's (asshole sup.) is watchin u evertime i look over there... so i was like ok!... WOW!...c an we say WOW!

its coo tho... cant a brotha down tho!

they be like yall cant use the internet, but when they leave... i be on it again!

so this is whjat i have to say about it all...

they say... "SOME like it ROUGH"

aiiight im back off hiatus... with what i think is a GOOD ONE!...
_______________________________


Okay lets just get into this 1... I've recently found out that more women than i originally thought are into ROUGH SEX... i mean we all have that 1 friend or know that person that has done... is doing... and will do it all in the bedroom BUT im finding out women are really into this shit!

Now when i say ROUGH... i dont mean the classic ass slappin & hair pullin rough... im talkin the BITING, SLAPPING, CHOCKING kind of ROUGH!

I had a conversation with a woman im dating... and it went like this:


HER... i have a confession
GSWEET... what???
HER... i like to be fucked rough!
GSWEET... rough how?
HER... okay... i like to be chocked!
GSWEET... WHAT!?... chocked!, chocked!?
HER... yea... have u ever tried that?... are u even into that kinda stuff?
GSWEET... are u serious?... nah i aint never did that, im mean im down for new shit but aint nobody finna choke me tho!
HER... so what if i wanted u to choke me , would u?
GSWEET... maaan, i dunno... i aint use to that kinda shit

fast forward a few days later via text message...

GSWEET... so how exactly would i know when im goin to far?
HER... if i start turning pale and tranna' push u off of me, thats too much
GSWEET... lol... its dark how would i see if ur pale or not?... lmao
HER... u know what i mean
GSWEET... i guess!

after this im thinkin wow thats 2 ppl. i know personally that like that kinda shit... so i started asking females that i knew how they felt about this and come to find out like 3 or 4 other people i know personally like gettin CHOCKED OUT too. All this brings forth the term "SENSUAL CHOKE"... now the 1st time i heard this i was crackin the fuck up... im like, "that shit is an oxymoron"... the words sensual and choke dont even belong together... but one of my older more experienced homegirls assured me that people did this all the time, i was thinkin NO!, freaks like yo ass do shit like that all the time!... boy was i wrong!...

so when all this was goin on... i ran this shit past my boys (the SMITTYS)... the first response out of 1 of these NI**AS mouths was (i aint even gone bust em' out tho!), "SO DID U CHOKE HER ASS OUT!?"... that caused for me and the other SMITTY to crack up... as i reply, "nah blood, she just told me this shit"... but SMITTY didnt stop there, nope, thats not in his character, he goes hard... and replies... SHIIIT, IDDA' CHOKED HER ASS OUUUT!... im thinkin to myself that foo' is crazy.

anywho... i have a question...

HOW MANY OF U HAVE EXPERIENCED THIS? AND HOW COMMON DO U THINK IT IS?

they say... "you can't have the GOOD, without the BAD!"

`well ive been havin' good days alot lately.. so i guess i was due... my day started goin bad as soon as the clock struck 12:00...

heres how it played out...

Ok... I'll give u a brief run down...

This started last night after mid night...
________________________________________________________


12:15... I get in the house... and what do u know all of sudden im no longer sleepy


1:00... still up

2:00... still up

3:00... still up (tossin & turnin)

4:00... still up (tossin & turnin)... and then finally fell asleep (which is a bunch of BS cuz of all people, I can always fall asleep... i swear im slightly narcoleptic)

5:45... the worst cramp in my calf ive ever had in my life... oh god... it was 1 of those u cant even stop if u like grab it... it was pain full... I actually had 2 get up and put my foot on the kitchen floor to get it to stop (home remedy)... never had 1 like that before... my calf is still sore!

9:27... wake up (to hella kids who have no school makin hella noise and runnin around, NO their not mines... im staying w/ fam. far a few weeks)... mind u I have to be to work @ 10:00... I was supposed to wake up @ 7:30...

I was so late already I didn’t even rush... mike uncle said he'd take me to work... so im like coo... I wont be too late so I waited around 4 him... only to find out he has something he 4got he had 2 do... so he drops me off @ the bus @ 11:05... and guess what (yep u got it I missed the bus by 10 minutes)

11:25... 180 bus leaves to san jose

12:08... bus arrives... and of course the lightrail is pulling off as the bus is pulling up...

12:16... lightrail comes...

12:31... I arrive @ work, thinking "okay lemme get to work lunch is about to start"

12:34... get a phone to test... battery is dead... and it requires a special 1 of a kind (in the galaxy) charger that nobody can find... but my job is to locate it...


12:49... locate charger and get to work for 11 minutes until lunch time... sigh!

BUT ITS NOTHIN I'LL JUST MAKE IT UP DURING OVERTIME!... ;0)


Soooooooooooooooo... how was ur day???