"THEY SAY"... im complicated... I say "I'm me"...: luv

Showing posts with label luv. Show all posts

Sunday, September 28, 2008

they say... "are u SERIOUS?"

I havent chose to post anything personal in months when i realized certain people were spying on my blog(fuck em its my life and any outsider who reads this and feels a certain way, live with it but dont ever, ever, ever bring any of my blog postings up)... but in not doing so ive been the one suffering because serious things have been on my mind and heart the past few months... this is my oath to myself and my readers (who respond)... i will express myself because its therapeutic and necessary for me to get these things off my chest...

starting with this... because of my most recent situation a certain song has been in my head like fuckin crazy... and the oddest part is im really not all that into R&B music but i had heard this song 1 time when EB posted it... and it jus came outta nowhere and i feel like it fits how i feel... corny as fuck i know BUT... it... is... what it... fuckin'... IS!!!

Jasmine Sullivan- Lions, Tigers, and Bears

chorus:
I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears/
(No I'm not)...
But I'm scared of... loving you/
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair/
(That's right)...
But I'm scared of loving you/
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task/
Why it don't last? Is that too much to ask?/
Why do we love, love?..... when love seems to hate us?/

2nd verse:
Most circumstances I know my fate/
But in this love thang, I don't get the game/
Why does it feel like those who give in/
They only wind up losing a friend/

Just cause I love you and you love me/
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be/
Fly cross the ocean, sing for the queen/
But the most frightening thing is you and me/
----------------------------------------

This part stands out because im finally coming to grips with the harsh reality that i do have a COMMITMENT ISSUE/PROBLEM... i know what i want but i continuously run away from it because im not ready to let down my guard completely, and be with one person EVEN when they treat me how i want to be treated and/or love me how i want to be loved. I have no clue what this stems from or why it is.

Its frustrating and scary to know im 26 and i cant carry out a monogamous relationship, and the last time was the final straw which proved to me that ITS ME thats the problem. In these situations i end up losing friends i care about because i go to that level and in the end i cant/dont commit.

if ur reading this u prolly think its not big a deal and every1 goes thru some type of trouble with the heart when making choices and decisions BUT this shit is soooo hard at this point and i dont know what to do.

*DAMN THIS IS HARD*

*i guess i'll go to sleep now, since the sun is up *shakin' head*

Monday, March 10, 2008

they say... "it's MUSIC to my EARS"

at work 2day im listenin' to my Itunes (as usual) and i wasnt feelin my normal hip-hop playlists so i decided to bumop some ISLEY BROTHERS... and towards the end of the album 1 of my favorite songs came on...

ISLEY BROTHERS- AT YOUR BEST YOU ARE LOVED

and then i started thinkin i love the song but honestly my favorite rendition of it is by AALIYAH...

AALIYA- AT YOUR BEST YOU ARE LOVED

damn her voice is BEAUTIFUL!!!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

they say... "that's FAMILY BUSINESS"

(found this pic and its very symbolic of this post... it represents a mother son bond and a new child...)

Anybody remember me a postin a few weeks back about how my mother and my brother don't get along.... okaaaaay sooooo...

That shit continues... and bothers the fuck outta me... I have to middle man and mediator for these 2 to communicate...

1st off... my mom and my brother CONSISTANTLY get into it... but the last time they really got into it moms threw em out (not like I didn't see that shit commin) and my brother moves in with my grandmother...
didn't change his ways just his location...

so while they're seperated... I don't like it because my moms @ home alone most of the time and she has diabetes and it gets outta hand at times, so I'm not comfortable with her there by herself...

Moms and bra barely speak... so the other day my brother calls me and is sayin how he's pissed cuz my mother got a credit card in his name (which I would be too, if I didn't even have 1)... and he says my mom told him nothin about it... blah blah blah...

AND THEN THE KICKER!... when he's done with that whole spill... he non-chalantly says and I quote:

"Oh yea!... u gon' be a uncle... I forgot to tell you that"

So naturally I'm like, WHAT??? (if he woulda said siiiiike he woulda had me, but he was 4real)... I'm like, "by who" he says his girlfriends name (u know u gotta ask these day coulda been a random
chick) and I'm like, "don't play blood"... so he confirms that he's serious... and of course u know what the next quetion is..............

"YOU TOLD MOM YET"... *drumroll please*...

And of course u already knew... he says, "No, I told EVERYBODY else accept her and grandma"... and like a 6 year old... I go "OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!"... and then like an adult I sad, "NIGGA U TRIPPIN!!!"...

we had a death in the family recently(...blog comming) and he's used that for his reason not to tell... so now i gotta play dumb... WTF!

sorry if im gettin all kind of serious in my blogs but shits crazy in my world at the moment!... peace and thanx 4 ur patience my fellow bloggers!

Monday, January 14, 2008

they say..."these are just MY THOUGHTS"

2day i just seem to be in a random mood... its like all of a sudden i just got alot on my mind... alotta questions and few answers... things are just swimming around in my head...

the main thing i've been thinking about since this morning was the people i've decided to move on from and/or let go... was it for the best or was i being irrational?... i dunno but it seemed like the right thing to do @ the time... i'm just tired of dealing with some people and their ways... whether it be that their crazy, confusing, stupid, pointless, too emotional, etc etc etc...

another thing on my mind is my job... i swear i luv my job and in April my 6 months will be up and i will be eligible for a permanant position,, after talkin with my 2 supervisors they said my performance is above average and my accuracy is high, i just need to work on not being 5 to 10 minutes late on the regular (black ppl.) *shaking head*... i hope i can........... lemme rephrase that i will change that small problem cuz i really want to stay at this company...

any1 who knows me knows im this hard-core single person... all about being single but shit for the 1st time since my ex i think its gettin old... could be the weather... could be a phase... i dunno but i've been thinkin about having a girlfriend i just dont feel that way about any 1 person at the moment, every since my last "non-girlfriend" experience a while back i haven't seen that same type of interest spark yet... i dunno maybe i should just keep doin me like i originally planned... i guess i'll figure it out

my ex wanted talk to me in person so i agreed hadn't seen her in hella long... now when we were 2gether she found out she might not be able have kids, we NEVER tried but after they ran some test they told her she would have to go thru a procedure to get pregnant and that she should do it before she got too old (she's 28 now)... about a year and a half ago she asked me would i be father of her child when she went thru the procedure and i told her i couldn't do that cuz i didn't know what would be the situation with me and her and i don't plan on having kids until im married or @ least with the person i plan on marrying... so this talk she wanted me to have with her was basically what most call CLOSURE(even tho we've been apart for years)... the talk got real emotional as she cryed and told me she waited for me as long as she could (even tho' i told her to never wait for me)... so at that point she never told exactly what the convo was about except for closure... so like 2 weeks ago she lets me know she pregnant and asks for my blessings, i was happy for her, she always wanted to have a baby... since her i moved on with my life BUT i cant front that shit shocked me and made me think what if???... i remember sittin on the phone thinking to myself "LIFE IS SO NOT A GAME" and "time moves forward"... all-in-all... im happy for her and her situation but that shits been on my mind!

my living situation at the moment is hectic... im living with my best friends aunt and uncle (which is just like my aunt and uncle)... its hella coo' cuz it a reasonable commute to work vs. moving back to Oakland (40+ miles away from work)... the thing is that they have 7 kids that range from 6 to 18 and another live-in family member... i'm not use to not having my space... every since i moved outta my moms house i've had my own shit... so on a more personal level this is way outta my norm... its fun being over there but when im in my "G-SWEET MODE" i gotta go somewhere instead of jus bein home and chillin... i think i should be gone no later than mid February...

i've about had it up to my 4head with the fact that my mom and my brother don't get along... i don't know what to do its like a bad episode on a tv show... he's 18 and thinks he's grown so naturally my moms attitude is "if u grown do like grown ppl. do and get out"... and i cant fault her for that BUT f*ck man they need to get it 2gether... my brother moved to my grand mothers house and now my mother lives alone... her and her husband are on the rocks so he no longer lives there and with my brother gone it leaves me worried because she sickly so aat any moment i never know whats gonna happen... my family in general need to work on their family values...

lately i've been looking into investment so i can set up my finances so my money can work 4 me... i want to get a good African-American financial counselor, also i'm decided to re-vamp my business that i started 2 years ago "SWEET SPOT CLOTHING"... trust u'll hear more about this again soon...

i haven't been the same ol' me lately haven't had the desire to go out clubbin, i've voluntarily been workin long hours @ work, ive been jus kinda chillin out on the weekends, cant remember the last time i had a real date (wait it was like a month ago i think), not much really excites me anymore, WTF is goin on with me!?

(there's more but i'll keep that 2 myself)

WELL GOTTA GET BACK TO WORK... I'M HERE TIL' 11 2NIGHT (12 hr. day)... HOPEFULLY ALL THIS SHIT FALLS INTO PLACE!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

they say... "OUT wit the OLD & IN wit the NEW"

THESE ARE MY 1ST'S OF 2008...

1. Who was the first person you talked to in 08?
ALL FRIENDS AND FAM THAT WAS AROUND ME @ THE MOMENT.

2. The first person you hugged?
AUNTY ROBBIN... aka... DUCHESS

3. The first person you called?
I CALLED MY MOM 1ST

4. The first person you texted?
LIL' PAM... lol

5. The first thing you drank?
U MEAN CONTINUED TO DRINK?... BELVI & SOME CHAM-PAG-NE'

6. The first person that called you?
LOL... WOOOOW... AFTER JUST CHECKIN MY PHONE... MY EX WAS THE 1ST PERSON TO CALL ME... THATS ODD SEEING AS I HAVENT TALKED TO HER ON THE PHONE IN HELLLLLLA LONG!

7. The first person that texted you?
MY CUZIN PHE'!

8. Have you talked to all of your BLOG BUDDIES yet?
NO TEXT MS. PUDDIN THO!

*in reference to the pic... ur such a wierdo*

9. Any of them?
NAH... I DONT HAVE THEIR #'S ANYWAY

10. Who was the 1st person to hang up on you?
NOBODY... i dont play the shit...lol

11. What was the first thing you watched on TV?
MARTIN SEASON 3 DVD!... that fools retarded!

12. Who was the first person you thought of?
HER!

13. What was the first thing you ate?
AWWW MAN... MY AINTY ROBIN MADE SOME BLACK EYE PEAS & RICE, FRIED CHICKEN, BBQ RIBS, POTATO SALAD, DEVILED EGGS, AND SOME MO' SH!T.

14. What where you wearing at midnight?
REGULAR CLOTHES NOTHIN FANCY!

15. First kiss?
I'LL JUST CALL HER LIPS!

16. First fight?
NADDA... LETS SEE HOW LONG THAT LASTS!

*who want it???*

17. First laugh?
AT ALL OF OUR DRUNK ASSES PLAYIN KINGS CUP (drinking game)

18. First person you said 'I love you' to?
MY MOM

19. First stupid thing you did?
ME STUPID STUFF PSSHHHT! yea right... lmao!

20. First thing you bought?
HMMMM... I DUNNO... PROLLY SOME GATORADE

the anti-hang over drink!

im wish everyone in my blog-world a prosperous 08'!

they say... "It's the REASON for the SEASONS"

Well my X-MAS was laid back... helped moms cook this year since shes gettin older, her and my brother(18 yrs old) got in to a squabble the week prior too so he left and stayed with my grandmother which in turn made my mother basically say F*ck and she didnt get him shit...

so i had to play good son and visit with her a few days... clean his dirty ass room (*shaking head*)... my favorite part of any holiday is the food so i was happy... moms made: (in no specific order)

1... cornish hens
2... roast beef (that shit was helllla good, vegetarians go to hell...lol)
3... yams
4... mac & cheese
5... potato salad
........... i was gone put a pic of potato salad here but look at m,y choices... helll naw... it didnt look nothin like that hot mess in a bowl on nonna them pics CLICK HERE

6... garlic butter crab legs... (i know it hella doesnt go but moms had the craving to make it, but it was hella good too)
7... sweet potato pie... i woulda wrestled grandma to the floor for the last piece i swear i would have!

8... german chocolate cake (ughhh... what is that on the top of the cake? oatmeal?...lmao

i got slapped upside the head for sayin that at the dinner table)

9... black eyed peas... i sware fo' lowd *shakin head* rediculously good (i know im greedy hahaha!)

Theres more i just cant think know besides im sure drooling on this keyboard will cost the company money.

I decided not to get that many people nothin this x-mas... i just got the kids hella stuff...

my 2 yr. old god daughter...

and my 6 year old cuzin

I got the all kinds of toys, pajamas, and clothes... so the kids were my REASON FOR THE SEASONS!